Last week I promised an entry on casual sex and the definition of the word slut. This week, signed and delivered. I'm going to do one of these mega-entries a week. Every Monday, profound pontifications from Pepperbar. Now that your daily dose of alliteration is out of the way, read on."A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp." - Joan Rivers
Dictionary.com gives us six sources for definitions of the word 'slut'. All of them except one include, as either the first or the second entry, 'an immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute.'. Princeton's WordNet rephrases it as 'a woman adulterer'. Webster is the only one who sticks to the strictly hygenic meanings; promiscuity does not make the list.
Tied in with the other most common definition, 'a dirty, slovenly woman', one can assume that to be labelled a slut is not a positive thing. By extension, 'a person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous' is probably not someone you want to invite home for dinner.
Some people disagree with this definition. Dossie Easton and Catherine Lizst wrote The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, and defined 'slut' as follows: "To us, a slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you."
I like it. It's simple, the words are short (mostly), and it gets to the point. I have one problem with it: nobody actually uses 'slut' as a complimentary term. I am an extremely sex-positive person, but my hackles rise whenever that word comes into play. I have a lot of sex, I grant you. By some people's definitions, I am loose. But I'm not easy. I'm not promiscuous. I'm extremely picky about who I sleep with, and while I have had my regrets (nobody is a perfect judge of character, after all), by and large my experiences have been positive. I like who I am, I like the way my sex life fits into the rest of my life, and I don't like when someone uses a word that historically and not so historically associates me with dirty, unhygenic and immoral adulterers.
So, since slut appears determined to be pejorative, let's redefine slut. Obviously, the simple act of having sex with someone is value-neutral. Sex itself is not a positive or negative thing, it simply is. Quantity is likewise irrelevant. Motivation is what matters. Sex with someone that you like, because you like sex and you like your partner and vice-versa: positive. Sex with someone that you don't like, that you are having out of pity or because you're afraid they won't like you otherwise, or because you're trying to hurt someone else, or are using it as a way of keeping score: negative.*
A woman or man who has sex, be it a little or a lot, be it with one person or a hundred, is not a slut or an immoral individual, as long as they are having sex with the goal of making all involved parties feel good and happy about what they're doing.
A slut is a man or woman who ignores that basic tenet, regardless of numbers. It's possible to be married and monogamous, and still be a slut.
On to the concept of 'casual sex'. As noted above, I have no problems with people having sex with whomever they choose, as many times as they want. What goes on between consenting adults is none of my business. Public opinion often seems to be divided between 'no sex until marriage or you're going to hell' and 'have as much sex as you possibly can, at every opportunity'. Both of these positions lack nuance, I feel.
To be honest, I'm not really sure there is such a thing as 'casual' sex, at least in a non-slutty (by my definition above) context. Sex and all the acts related to it are extremely intimate, and it's always been my suspicion that if you end up in a 'coyote ugly' kind of situation you're doing it wrong. If you're doing it right, it's not really casual - which doesn't mean it has to be epic and life-changing. Sex is not a commitment to anyone. People who choose not to have sex until they're married or in a long-term relationship are not knee-jerk conservatives out to roll back feminism and the sexual revolution. Somewhere in the middle lies a happy medium, where people can have sex or not, as they desire, and end up having the amount of sex that's right for them. Whether that means polyamorous and open relationships like my own where everyone can fuck like bunnies with multiple partners, monogamous marriages in which the spouse is the first and only partner, or people who just don't want to have sex at all doesn't matter; everyone does what they want to do without pressuring anyone else and we all live happily ever after.
It all boils down to respect, eventually. Respect yourself, respect your partner(s), and enlightenment follows.
*Note well that this does not include sex workers, who are having sex for money as a career. I got no beef with prostitutes, so long as they're safe, professional, and are upfront about their transactions. Everyone needs to make a living.
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